Sometimes I Can't Sleep And I'm Not Sure Why. Maybe...

The insomnia that I have been having recently is probably due to like three things. Money, a Job, and no friends. I have no money and it scared me that soon I'm going to have to be paying everything for college back. I mean I still have like two more semesters to do but that is but a mere minute away in truth. Plus I don't have a job right now. I've moved back to Texas for many reasons... but I have been looking for a job for the past like four weeks and still nothing. I don't know what to do. I mean my only other choice is Wal-mart and I really do hope I don't have to resort to working there. I have to ask my mother for gas money so I can go to school. I miss being independent. I miss having some say in my life. Last but not least I come to my no friends problem. I mean I'm not saying I don't have people to talk to but I don't have people to hang out with. I have no social interactions on a daily basis. I wake up, shower, look for a job and/or go to school and then return home. On the weekends (two weekends so far) I have had friends come to visit but it isn't the same. I see them for a mere day or two and then nothing they return again, some three weeks later. You guys want me to stay here, but I feel like I'm depriving myself of everything. School has provided me with the most entertaining part of my life. Friday nights I stay home and do math homework. It hurts. I'm so used to being around people. Now instead of hanging out with people, I hang out with my books. I don't miss the old me, the me who preferred to stay in, to do nothing. I don't want to become that person again. I'm trying hard to fight it but I'm scared.

On a lighter note, I've been talking to Jon a lot lately. He is nice to talk to. I miss him, in more than one way. Have you ever just throw something good away just because you wanted to see how it felt? I feel almost as if that is what I did. I can't remember the bad. I mean someone remind me... what was it? What did he do?

I'm supposed to be writing a paper/not so much paper as writing about a list of people/psycologist. I don't want to do it. I'm just going to forget about it. I'll live right...

Well... I guess I'll join in on the fun...

So since everyone is writing... I guess i'm going to write a little too...

My life is completely gone... there is no word for how messed up I've gotten to be.

I'm with a boy who makes me completely unhappy and i have no clue how to get out of this relationship. I wish it was really easy... but but for some fucked up reason I love him and it hurts to see him go... I'm really about done with this bullshit though.

I work all the time... school and me have stopped being friends.

I want to run away...

I'm going to sell all my belongings and run away to the carribbean an be a tutor to all the rich white kids so they can get in to college in the states. I could do it. I just don't know how yet.

I just want to quit life right now.

Everyone is moving on with their lives. I have nothing to show for anything. I wanted so much more than this but I have nothing.

I started this blog so i could help myself get over a stupid boy and now i'm stuck with another stupid boy... I don't know how i do this to myself. I want to just be okay with myself without a stupid boy.

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

this is all just blah... i feel better though.

Honez...it's like being a Mexican ho. (but i'm not a ho, just my mexican last name is)

So School is basically my life.

I'm done with dish boy... loooooooonnng story... don't worry about it. I'll tell you in person later in life.

but i did meet the red power ranger and am in love with him...

i'll have to explain about that later too...

but there also this other boy who really really really likes me and we're talking...

more later i have to get to class!

Because I'm bored at school...

okay so there is really nothing new to say. i've been doing nothing fun.

i go to school...
i go to work...
i go home...
i go to sleep...

rinse and repeat...

there is a semi new boy... you guys sort of know about him. luis... dish boy from work... i don't know how i really feel about him. i don't know if i can really trust him or if he is just fucking with my emotions...

blah.

but for real school is almost done with for this semester... like this month and that is it... that is so craaazzzy...

Jon and I talked the other day... i think we are going to hang out soon. I'm thinking about driving down there Thursday to hang out with him... maybe see a movie... get something to eat... just chill.

I don't know.

MY CAR iS FIXED!!!!
oh my gosh how could i forget about this. I mean !YAY!YAY!YAY! Okay deep breath Nicole. but i have it back... it is working... i just owe my mom some money for it... like 140 or something... nothing too bad...

My computer is still dead though. it is sad... that is my next big thing to do.

okay i was trying to get a picture of luis to go on here... but i'm at school... so it is not working. okay well i'll do that later.



<3 Knee-cole

Fish + Boy = Stupidity

So Mr. Bubbles has left this world. I was a little sad. I think I'll be okay. THat is only because the person whom Mr. Bubbles was named after has passed out of my life also. I wish Muffin would die too... then I would really be rid of them all.

Sorry that is a little mean. It's too complicated to explain right now.

To update everyone. Erica sent me like a 1000 questions to be answered... here they are...

How are your classes?

My classes are gay. I like them and all but i'm just tried of them. I wish school just wasn't like this. My archaeology classes put me to sleep. I'm afraid that is not what I want to do anymore. I just think what am I going to do later if I fall asleep now. I wish I could just become a baker but i don't think that is going to happen. I want to be a teacher I think. I wanna teach little kids. I'm going to get my masters after college in international teaching. I'm kind of excited about it. Next semester I'm thinking about doing something crazy. I don't know why I want to but... I'll tell you in a later question.

Are you still working at Longhorn?

I'm afraid so. I really don't like it at all. I wish there was something else for me to do. I wish I could just have a job that didn't involve drama. My "friends" from work all turn out to be retards except Rodrigo, whom I think I'll be friends with for ever. He really is a good friend to me. I like that. The rest of them are fake and retarded.

Did you get your car fixed?

My car has not be fixed. I wish I wasn't so stupid and what not... I'd actually go get it fixed. Right now it just sits in the garage and wastes away. I just don't have the money to fix it right now... I don't know what to do.

How are your fish, I'm worried about them still?

My fish are great. Although this morning I could have sworn Mr. Bubbles died. I think I'm going to change their names too. I do't really like them anymore. I don't know to yet. Maybe something like Crazy Boy and Crazy Girl... haha just joking... I don't know.

Edit: Mr. Bubbles has passed.

Are you hanging out with the kids from work still?

I'm afraid so. I wish I didn't. They are stupid and what not. Although Rodrigo is still chill as shit. I like him a lot. I mean like as a friend. He is really good to me like that. I love his mom too. She is great. We drank wine with her the other night. She got a little tipsy... hehe. I wish Nicole and Rodrigo could just kill everyone of the other retards and find new friends. I think I'm going to hang out with just him soon again. It more fun that way... we just smoked a lot. I don't know. I really do miss you.

How's Roger? Are you married yet? When are you going back?

Roger is good. They just had a big storm go through down there. It scared me. I was like if you get hurt... I'm coming down there and hurting you worse. He just laughed at that. I wish he would ask me to marry him. I really do love him. I feel like I'm being played sometimes though. Like he thinks he is smarter than me and can get away with stuff... but i know about it... like not exactly... but i have that feeling. I don't know. I really do love him though. I'm thinking about doing something next semester... that might piss off my mom... but she has no choice but to except what I'm going to do. I'll tell you about it in the study abroad question.

Are you coming to Texas for Christmas or on Christmas Break?

HELLO!!!! of course. I miss you guys too much not to come and see you! I wish I could go right now and see you. I love you guys too much. I can't wait either. I wish it was Christmas right now... I would be done with school and work! I can't wait to tell you my plan about school for next semester.

I have to come back to Texas.

Are you studying abroad next semester?

Okay this one is going to take a bit to explain. I'll just start off with i'm not really going to be studying... i'm just going abroad. I'm taking a semester off to just get things straight. I think I really need to. I think for awhile I might go live with Roger just to see if that is what I really want. I have a "free" semester from school if I want it. I think I do't need to waste money on it. I think I should go live with him for a bit. I don't know. I might just stay out of school and get a day job for the semester. I don't know. I know I want to finish school but school has taken so much from me I need to get those straight before I continue on with it. I'll send you another email about this tonight ... after work.

What are you confused about?

Life. See last question. Roger. What I'm going to do. Basically everything.

Why haven't you emailed me back yet?

I've been busy... Like and i forgot about the "long" email that I was supposed to be writing you. I've been working almost every night plus school and what not. It really sucks. I don't know.

How's your computer? Is it still exploded?

Yep. My car and computer are the next things to get fixed.... I'm thinking next week. I miss them both.

Thats my life right now. 

I miss you guys, more than ever.